The Reason Why I Went MIA in 2016


First off, happy new year 2017! I wish you all the good things and may this year be a better and more accomplished year for everyone.

I actually debated a lot whether to continue this blog, my activities in social media (which wasn't much), and if I should really "retire" from the internet and basically everywhere. 2016 was a difficult year for me. Actually I'm not sure if there are still people who follow and read my blog or not, seeing how I disappeared for a long time. I notice that in 2016 I only wrote 3 posts on this blog: an event report, shopping experience, and a short product review. It wasn't much compared to how I used to be quite actively blogging and posting on my facebook & instagram the past couple years. I really think hard for the past several months how to write this post. I hesitated, then convinced myself to gain the courage to do it, then I debated and argued with myself there might not be a single soul that still remembers who I am, and it goes on for a long time. 

I don't want to waste anyone's time to read this 'confession' or rather 'explanation' post for people who visit my blog to read other beauty related posts. So I put this jump break and for those who want to read further, please click more :)

To be honest, it all started around the end of 2015 although I think I've known about it a little bit longer. I have depression and anxiety. My anxiety developed more in 2016 but since 2015 I was so depressed. I didn't know how to deal with it. I still don't for the most part. Around January 2016, I just felt like I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to go out, I was scared to go out and be around people, including some friends and acquaintances. I do have some close friends here and I did distant myself from them, all of them, including my best friends for 15+ years. I just felt nothing. I was always tired and everyday felt like another lifeless day for me even when I just woke up in the morning. I had trouble sleeping at night too. I'm sure many people with depression and anxiety know how it feels. I just wanted to be alone, all by myself, didn't want to see and talk to anyone. I still posted on facebook, blog and instagram here and there at first but slowly I reduced my social media activities and completely disappeared and logged out, deleted all of them off my phone. 

I felt guilty and bad whenever I remembered my friends, but I didn't have the courage or enough reason to tell anyone how I was feeling and suffering. I did try few times with some friends around me and even to my own family, but of course the lack of knowledge about mental illness made them think I was just pretending and seeking attention. Really though, I didn't want attention, in fact I wanted them to go away far from me and leave me alone. But none of them understood and with the constant "you're just thinking too much" or "it's just in your mind" and "it'll disappear very soon" or "you're not the only one suffering in this world" and many more of those disheartening words everytime I confided in them made me feel so hopeless I didn't want to deal with anyone anymore. 

I didn't get treated intensively and didn't see therapist regularly because I just couldn't believe in anyone, including professionals because my mind was constantly so negative about everything and I only trusted myself. I thought I would be okay after some time, and that I would feel better if I calmed myself down and found some peace on my own. 

Of course, I didn't. 

There were times I missed what I used to do and love: makeup and blogging. I did check my blog, email, and social media accounts. There were parts of me that missed everything, while some side of me started to hate myself for leaving the things I loved and suffered by myself instead of trying to overcome it (but it was so hard for me to even try), and other parts of me wanted me to quit all that cause it all started to bother me I didn't know how to deal with those feelings. I think even now I can't really describe how I felt last year in words, it was all just too much. I always ended up crying for hours in silent under the blanket because I didn't want my family to see me in that state. 

The worst part for me was I had to pretend to be "normal" for my family and work. I hated it when I forgot to act normal and then people asked me what's wrong and why I looked sad, I couldn't tell them. So I just pretended to be normal and sometimes my past bubbly self in front of people at work and home. It was like wearing a mask, just so they wouldn't question me, or pity and worry about me.

I knew I probably angered some of my friends with the way I thought, but I couldn't help it. I mean some friends that really cared about me of course. Eventually I started replying some friends' messages after a while later. I did tell probably couple of them how I felt and what happened with me the past several months. Some gave me a really great supportive messages which really helped me. I also met some great friends I considered sisters and real family who really understood what I was going through, who didn't judge me. I am still so thankful for everyone who still support me in my hardest time, even when I couldn't be a real friend to them.

Oh, and even my boyfriend I started to have few issues with him which I didn't have before. I was always so anxious with him. Little things he did and didn't do made me so angry, anxious, sad, worried, and everything unpleasant. We argued a bit too much and there was time I thought I just wanted to be alone without him, I didn't want to do anything with him anymore. But luckily it all went away when he visited me last July. It reminded me how I still have someone who really loves me and care about me. It wasn't like throwing tantrum because I missed him. But his last visit really consoled me, and made me so much calmer and he is a really positive person so he kinda counterattacked my constant negativity and made me so peaceful for the whole 2 weeks he was here. I began to get some sleep at night (except when I heard him snoring so loud even from another room lol) which I didn't get the past 6 months. The little things he did made me feel so calm and less negative about many things. 

After he went back home, I was still getting better, still so depressed but less anxious in some things. But overall I felt quite relieved and less negative, and as I went back to my usual home and surrounding, I had to be the bigger person again everytime and had to act normal again. I just couldn't deal with all those again, especially with some family problems I had to deal also it made everything worse. 

But then slowly I could open up to some close friends, and boyfriend sometimes. I really didn't want to burden him or make him so worried about me that I didn't always tell him whenever I was so depressed in the middle of the night that I cried nonstop. Sometimes I told my other friend instead, and she would help me get through what I was feeling. It was kinda hard to explain but yeah... basically the pressure at work and in life pretty much took a toll on me and with my depression + anxiety, I just constantly felt too much, more than what I could handle. I didn't want to care about anything, then at the same time I cared too much about those little things and it all really upset me and tired me out and just I don't know how to describe it actually. I think I'm rambling nonsense now I'm sorry.

Then last December I was just started to feel like I wanted to try to better myself and overcome this. I've been anti social for too long, I didn't even look up what's going on in the beauty and makeup world anymore. But I was getting interested more with nail art. Doing nail art (even though I'm not that good) gives me peace and makes me feel calm. I made few nail videos but with my social awkwardness still going on, I didn't show my face because I just didn't feel comfortable enough to do that. I used to take selfie everytime everywhere like a shameless person I was. But with this depression, I didn't even want to look at my own face in the mirror. I stopped caring about how I look, I didn't put makeup on and didn't even treat my skin anymore. I just didn't care about all that. So when I came back to instagram and facebook last month, I was so amazed with everything and everyone. It was like a new world again for me. 

But I managed to put some makeup on again and take some face and makeup pictures. It appears that I still enjoy putting makeup on on a good day. I start to reply to friends' messages, and talk to people more (online of course). Because my best friends for 15+ years don't even live close to me anymore so I can only talk to them via text anyway. When I came back to my facebook, I was just so touched how some friends still talk to me normally like I was never gone. The whole time I felt so bad because I just disappeared without any messages and felt like I owe them explanation. But my friends actually welcomed me back warmly and their supports mean the world to me. 

I'm really sorry this post really goes all over the place now. I'm having so much emotions as I type this at the moment. I was actually writing this to let you know how I was doing the time I was gone, but it ends up being this super long full of nonsensical words. I still have a lot to tell you about that, and some other things that happened in between and etc but I don't think I should continue this more because I can keep on going and it will be a short autobiography of mine. I don't know why I didn't do this sooner. I mean, writing actually soothes me a bit and helps me clear my mind. Even though today I write like a kid without direction and just go on like this and it may sound so weird for you who read this. I'm sorry again. But I guess partly why I didn't open up sooner to my close friends was because I didn't want to be depressed around them or made anyone upset with my gloominess.

Also, the last thing that convinced me to go back and do the things I love is when my friend, Rini passed away just two weeks ago. I regretted a lot of things whenever I think of her. She reached out to me quite a lot of times during my MIA days. Actually one of the first person who I thought of when I was deciding to go back was her. I was just thinking on my own how I should tell her why I disappeared on her the past 8-9 months. We were just liking each others posts and messaging shortly. She just liked my picture the night before when that day she had an accident and passed away. I think many of some beauty bloggers friends already know what happened. That day when I saw the news I cried nonstop because I really missed her and I felt so guilty why I didn't reply her and distant myself for the past 9 months. And there, suddenly I remembered her words when she told me that no matter what I should be real and go on with my blog, which we talked a bit when I was having a hard time. I remembered our conversation when we were in my car. The things we talked about, laughed at, and how we sang and got our silly button on. I just regretted everything. She was so young and talented with so bright future, and her accident reminded me what she told me before, and when she encouraged and supported me about some stuff I wasn't confident in... It just reminded and convinced me even more that I really should continue doing what I loved to do, and still love doing. So aside of my friends who've been supporting me all this time, I also deeply thank Rini for all the things she's done and said to me. I will never forget her and her words. 

I don't know now if people still read it at this point. But I will continue blogging. And if you still follow me on social media, you see I'm slowly posting on my accounts, not everyday but I'm  trying to do it slowly in my pace. I didn't pour all my thoughts in this post and hold myself back because I don't want to bore people even more with my depressive post, but you know how to contact and message me if you want to talk more.

And to add a little, currently I'm feeling better at the moment. I try to be more positive and not to bottle it up alone. I feel like I'm ready to meet my friends again now, maybe not every week like before but I guess it's a good change? I hope. I still feel awkward around many people, but the past month I think I talked to my friends more than I did the past year, so I guess it's an improvement. I don't think I will fully 'cured' as I still get panic attacks and depressed at some moments, but I'm trying my best to live my life and I believe with everyone's supports, I think I can be a bit more 'normal' and feel better. 

I sincerely thank you to everyone who've been there for me, support me and being my friends all this time. I'm sorry for this too immature, too emotional, too all over the place post. It's now 2017, and though I'm not miraculously cured and go back 'normal' and bubbly, but I will try to not stop doing what I love to do. And like what some of you told me, I'll open up more and not bottle it up by myself. Thank you again for reading. Hope to see you soon in my first real beauty related post.

Happy new year!

Ps. sorry for a lot of writing and grammatical mistakes.

Extra thank you to Yomo-chan, Sera, Henry, Mira, Momo, Raimar, bby Joanne, Fio and Yoan.

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